CHRYS - meaning GOLDEN.

tonsillitis

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Wed, 21 Mar 2012 02:24:00 +0000

i have never been this sick in my life.
bedridden since sunday.
my tonsils so infected/swollen they're actually touching.
i can feel my lymph nodes through my throat,
and my entire body aches.
please, let this be over with already.

pessimist

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Fri, 16 Mar 2012 04:21:00 +0000

sometimes, i'm afraid to be happy.
to let the feeling of euphoria, satisfaction, contentment,
joy, and pleasure seep into my wary body.
because usually when i allow myself this one privilege,
something comes along, and straps anchors to the edges of my smile,
pulling it down, down, down.
until my frown looks like the cut out of a puppet's mouth
and it's all i can do to keep my body from falling along with it.

but for now

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Thu, 15 Mar 2012 08:07:00 +0000

i hope to one day, look back at all my past mistakes
and smile because i am no longer that person.
that i have learned from every stray path i've taken,
and from every wrong life choice, failed relationships, and misguided friendships.
that i have overcome every addiction, and every rut i've been in.
and that these scars are a patchwork to my testament
and i am over all, a better person.

when did i last save

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Tue, 13 Mar 2012 02:48:00 +0000

do-overs don't exist in the real world.
you can't physically push back the hands on the clock,
and expect to see the world set itself back a couple hours, all in your favor.
you can't say terrible things out of anger,
and then "take it back" to before they did their damage.
i can't unhear the things you said just as much as you can't retrieve them.
guilt and remorse is just a part of human nature that shows our conscience is still intact.
REGRET is the prize, as well as the consequence, for the wrong things you chose to say/do.
you can't take the good, without the bad. and vice versa.

don't forget to face me

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 22:02:00 +0000

Whether i'm blatant, or subtle, I just want you to know what's on my mind.
I don't want to ever have to deprive myself ever again,
of the freedom and privilege of dispensing my thoughts in the open
instead of having it collect dust in my mind, lonely and angry and forgotten.
i don't want to ever have to bite my tongue ever again,
and look down angrily at the scuff marks on my shoes, hands balled up, eyebrows furrowed,
silent and seething.
i'm not going to fill my bottle up to the point of overflow before i let it out.
you can call me confrontational,
but i will not wait for a savior to come and dispense justice for me.
i don't tolerate bullshit, so direct your cannon elsewhere,
i am always ready for backfire.

unopened promises

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 23:45:00 +0000

i spent all this time, trying to crack open your shell,
and upon succeeding, only figured out that you are just as empty as me.
and there is nothing left for me, here.

bad mojo

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Thu, 08 Mar 2012 17:19:00 +0000

trying to mentally suppress the images that you don't want to see.
imagining a hammer, just sqelching any surviving thoughts into oblivion.
focusing on keeping my mind empty, peaceful, and free. meditation.
yet, all i can think about in the back of my mind, is exactly what i'm trying to forget.
it keeps clawing it's way back in, asserting itself as the only thing that deserves my attention.
standing front row, dripping in gold. i can't let these thoughts become me,
i am stronger than the temper that ignites, the jealousy that simmers, and the sorrow that suppresses.
i am better than the doubts that drown me, and the anger that defeats me.

it's not love

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 21:23:00 +0000

i miss the days when we would lay by each other,
just feeling the warmth radiating off eachother's skin.
letting ourselves submerge deeper into slothful lazy oblivion.
spending hours and hours doing absolutely nothing except breathing
our steady and constant heartbeats the validation of eachothers existence.
i miss being in your arms, and feeling your skin against mine.
i miss singing melodies in the air and having them mix and mellow out with yours
in pure and effortless harmony.
i miss knowing that in that moment, i am perfectly content.
and i don't ever want to have to move from this spot, ever.

are we seeing the same picture

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Tue, 06 Mar 2012 23:08:00 +0000

the most frustrating part of knowing that i will never be good enough,
is trying to achieve it regardless, and then settling far below the bar
because i know hopeless ambition is only going to kill me.
to reach and reach to the point where my fingertips brush you slightly,
and then find myself falling into disappointment.
in a chasm of reluctant acceptance of my shortcomings.
that this is my genetics, and i cannot change my appearance.
that this is my talents, and i cannot be any better than my skill will allow,
that this is my personality. and i cannot be the person that you want me to be.

it's frustrating to think that i only redeem my good qualities
only from your validation.

cut the strings

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Mon, 05 Mar 2012 07:46:00 +0000

my problem is that i allowed myself to care, way too much.
i allowed myself to probe in an area beyond my understanding,
and my mind has become irrevocably damaged from the effort of trying to keep up.
i allowed myself to indulge in feelings that i knew were temporary;
hoping that the longer i stayed, the smaller the chance of being asked to leave eventually.
i didn't know that my time was up a long time ago,
and the consequences of lingering was detrimental only to my heart.
under the guise of friendship, we kept playing this game
where we didn't have to explain anything other than that we were friends,
but at the same time, "it's complicated."
the worst part is knowing that we get along so perfectly, so seamlessly, so effortlessly.
sometimes i lose myself in this lie we create, until i blink and realize it's all fabricated.
and this connection i feel is misconstrued and derived only from the fact that we're intimate,
but at the same time, we can hardly look each other in the eye.
there are no feelings, on your part. and there's too much on mine.
it's been long overdue. the necessity of breaking off all emotional ties.
grab that hypothetical axe, and hack the shit out of any "feelings" that i harbor.
we were meant to be friends. the very best of friends, possibly.
but not lovers. never lovers.

what more can i say

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Thu, 01 Mar 2012 17:39:00 +0000

i used to pride myself in having such great self control.
i was so used to saying no, and walking away.
even if i had to hesitate, even if i had to battle my consciences,
i would always do the right thing, and abstain. from everything.
but the moment i said yes, and did the things i did,
my resolve gave way, and my will power crumbled helplessly to the ground.
all of the energy once stored from forbidding myself the fruit,
channeled into going full throttle for this new life style.
i wake up not knowing where i am,
with someone i don't know
with unknown chemicals just lingering around my body.
i don't know who i am anymore.
i stare into my reflection,
i can't figure out why she's staring back at me, so nonchalantly.
shouldn't she be more concerned.
doesn't she realize that she has become a waste of a human life.
giving herself so easily to the world,
and letting the world destroy every good part of me.

don't hold it in, just let it go

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 08:34:00 +0000

i have problems with just letting the past go.
memories fade, no matter how good they were.
people change, no matter how close you were.
it's best to just keep doing you, and not get attached.
i'm going to focus on bettering myself,
and not worry about things that are beyond my control.

i was told it's okay to feel bad emotions.
it's okay to sad, or angry, or a combination of both.
to feel wrath, and hatred, and jealousy, and vengeance.
but it's not good to harbor it inside,
letting it fester like an infected wound.
it's okay to feel, as long as you let it go.
satisfy yourself because we all deserve to have our moments,
but we can't let it control us.

GOALS

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 21:43:00 +0000

so i'm finally starting to at least TRY and get my life together.

1. quitting smoking by buying electronic cigarettes.
2. signing up for classes, and petitioning and hopefully i'll be a student again
3. taking motorcycle classes so i can finally start riding.
4. get $$$ by the end of february, and get a car.
5. buy a gym membership and get back in shape!

Just you

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 08:51:00 +0000

How can you appreciate the sunshine, if it never rains?
you say you like good feelings, but you never felt the pain.
you say you want to go higher, but you're holding your own chain,
you force yourself to feel the very smile that you feign.
you're afraid of living, so you choose to just exist
you're afraid of reaching out, so you close your hands up in a fist
so afraid of wanting, so ambition you dismiss
you submerge yourself in ignorance, cause ignorance is bliss.
i can't begin to help you, i can't begin to help myself.
we're so afraid of being real, we retreat back to our shell,
sometimes we need to hear that it's okay to be yourself,
you feel like the only person, but you're like everybody else.

impending future

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 08:45:00 +0000

i used to value my alone time. where i can submerge myself in my thoughts
digging deeper and deeper until i reach some sort of epiphany or satisfaction
with what i discover or remember once again.
letting my thoughts trail and branch out until it breaches other subjects,
and connects and then breaks off and then winds
until i'm led to a whole new set of thoughts that desperately needed to be unearthed.
like ancient artifacts that needed to be dusted off to see how relevant and crucial it is to my incoming future.
sometimes, i feel burdened by letting myself indulge in these over-analyzations that most of the time hardly change a thing to my present.
sometimes, it's just a hindrance when i can't put it to use,
like when you're about to finish a 6,000 pc puzzle only to find that you're missing one last piece
and you can't rejoice in what you've built until it's complete.
but you know that it'll never be complete, and you've wasted all this time.
sometimes i realize i'm just stressing myself out with these worries that should be dismissed,
but that hardly stops me from letting the stress and anxiety take me completely.
meditating in the same questions that i repeat in my head like a mantra,
trying to find the little meanings hidden between the lines,
making something out of nothing. and making nothing from everything.
lately, my thoughts have been just over exaggerated what if's, and could be's.
i never realized till now, because i haven't let myself think about it,
how mind-numbingly frightened i am by the future.
i'm afraid of getting married, i'm afraid of having children, i'm afraid of having a career,
i'm afraid of being happy, i'm afraid of being sad, i'm afraid of who i'll become,
and i'm afraid of growing old and continuing like clock work to society.
sometimes, it scares me so much that i just want to retreat into my head and never come back out.
the more i let myself think this, the more exposed i feel to the realization that it's inevitable,
and it's incoming. and i need to prepare myself mentally, but i know i'm unable to.
i feel like i would be happier just existing, not really living.
just flying by under the radar, barely, but it counts.
just being there. a speck on the globe.
as insignificant as every other person that are just getting by.
i don't strive to change the world, anymore. i've grown pessimistic, i've grown lazy.
i don't strive to be any better than the average anymore.
i don't want to be here, but since i must. i guess i just want to stay here in one place.
where i'm familiar with my surroundings, and nothing will have to ever change.

a crazy kind of love

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 20:14:00 +0000

i'm sick of playing these games.
i hate meeting new people. initiation attraction; there needs to be enough mystery to keep the interest.
enough beauty and physique to be physically attracted. enough brains to have stimulating conversations,
enough personality to be entertaining, enough of all the right qualities to make that spark ignite.
and once it ignites, you have to keep fanning the flame. not too much or it'll go out, not too little or it'll never grow.
and then after interest, comes the chase. the push and pull rubberband effect. the give and take,
the unquenchable desire to be with eachother every second of the day when you're not with them,
but the bordom that begins to seep through when you see too much of them.
learning moderation, and the perfect mix of restrictions. timing really is everything.
you need to be away long enough for them to miss you, but not long enough for them to find someone new or better.
these rules that our parents forgot to mention. the fine print the movies didn't allude to. the mind fuckery of it all.
and after you won them over, and they realize that they can't/won't find someone exactly like you,
you still have to work against nature and society, keeping the interest alive.
humans were MADE to adapt; therefore becomming USED to things. the amnesia effect.
we become forgetful of the all the things that made us love, and fall into a chasm of comfort and familiarity.
where people stay together only because it's become an old habit thats hard to break.
yet deep down inside, we still yearn and crave for something new, and something unattainable,
because as much as we like to deny it, we all love the thrill of the chase.
i'm just looking for the special exception. the one beyond timing and circumstances.
beyond compatility, and chemistry, but a bond so indescribable that the rules of the game no longer apply.
i'm just sick of these games.
mind fucking one another to the brink of insanity.
maybe that's what love really is,
just the loss of sanity.

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 06:02:00 +0000

i'll never be happy with my looks.
but i'm satisfied with my personality.
i'll never be happy with my weight.
but i'm okay with who i am.

2012 new years resolution

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 06:00:00 +0000

These are always futile and end up being unsuccessful.
Just another list of things we expect to change of ourselves knowing that half or most won't be completed but it'll serve as a guilty reminder to what we need to work on for the next year. And the next. And the next.
But here goes anyways.

1. Quit smoking. Completely.
2. Start taking kickboxing and yoga
3. Become 110 lbs.
4. Take biotin everyday.
5. Stop biting nails
6. Accomplish learning the guitar
7. Take voice lessons

Next mas.

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 21:13:00 +0000

Christmas is here and the only thing I'm looking forward to is seeing my dog, eating a home cooked meal, and seeing some friends after for a few drinks. Let there be an inebriated Christmas because being sober during such torture is unheard of.

these winds are harsh

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 21:47:00 +0000

i am attached to memories.
i am attached to expired intangible things that aren't relevant anymore because it has warped and transformed and changed itself into something that is now unrecognizable and outdated.
i harbor and hoard a collection of flash backs and ideas on people, based on past experiences and personal opinion and as the days start to separate the bond that i had known before, i start to doubt its very existence and start to become wary of my own imagination.
i don't know why i paint these pictures of strangers in my head,and think that just because we spent a few laughs and a few cries together, that we would automatically share this connection that would last longer than my attention span.
memories are fickle things. you think you remember the whole story, the very insignificant details. but memories are biased. you remember and embellish the good parts that you want to remember, and you forget or leave out or block the parts that you don't. it is seen from your own lens, your own perspective. you see it in the angle that you choose to remember it. it could've been something entirely different all along.
i miss the idea of you, more than i miss the real thing.
our past, as dusty and irrelevant as it is now,
still carries more substance than the shell of the person i see in front of me.

hey, i like you. okay?

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Sun, 18 Dec 2011 00:26:00 +0000

i hate how everything goes by the books.
there's a process for everything. and there are stages to go through.
timing is everything, and you have to know EXACTLY how to play the game,
in order to be successful.
you can't just say how you feel, and be straight forward.
you have to play your cards close to home, and put on a front.
i hate the whole dating game.

i'll see you soon?

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 20:01:00 +0000

like a mantra, i have to keep repeating to myself over and over again,
"don't over think it. don't over analyze. whatever happens, happens."
it's bittersweet how someone can make you feel so happy,
but at the same time, so suspicious, and insecure,
and paranoid that the happiness you found is only temporary.
so you don't want to give too much of yourself away knowing it might leave you,
but not being able to enjoy it when you can't let yourself go fully.
it's like trying to sail your boat with the anchor still on shore.
it's like wanting to see how high you can fly your kite,
while holding onto the strings so close to home.
i miss the days when my happiness wasn't so dependent on someone so exclusively.
when i found joy in the solitude, of being comfortable in just the silence, and my thoughts.

i've become less introspective, because i don't know who i am anymore.
so i become retrospective, always glancing back in hindsight,
wondering what happened to make me become the way i am.

depleted

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 05:15:00 +0000

i'm so desperate to make it work, i'm just jamming the pieces where they don't belong.

people are under the misconception that achievements can bring happiness.
that if they do this, this, this, this, and THIS right, then it will come.
but what happens when you have and achieve all that you ever wanted,
and you're still stuck with that empty lonely bottomless void inside you,
that no amount of alcohol consumption or nights cradled in another stranger's arms can fill?
when you shop and watch hard earned money spent on a small shiny insignificant object,
and you suddenly realize that you count your worth based on the Michael Kors watch hanging off your wrist? that your class can be evaluated by the appraisal of the diamond earring weighing heavy in your ear lobes?
when religion doesn't bring anything but more questions than answers,
and friends don't bring comfort, but rather irritation and frustration
at their inability to be exactly what you need in that moment,
when family can't bring you security,
because there's a limit on how much you want them to know
and how much they can help is strictly dependent on how much you're willing to give up.
which is nothing, in my case.
i can't help but smoke my lungs black, and drink these bottles dry.
this is how i recover. and this is how i fell.

just who you are

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 21:01:00 +0000

if i could piece you together like a puzzle,
and try to make sense of who you are.
you're the manifestation of the people that surround you,
your mannerisms, habits and behavior,
all pieced together like patch work.
and all your past experiences moves you,
just like clock work.
and the moments where you act not like yourself,
because you catch yourself remembering a bad moment
or when you act unto other how you yourself have been treated.
like a queen, like a friend, like a beggar, like a pile of shit.
i'm trying my best to understand.
some people hurt others because they themselves have been hurt.
and sometimes people try their best to be the heroine,
because they've been victimized.
others in my position would be afraid to love, because i've been hurt.
but i'm not afraid,, because i don't believe i will ever be as hurt as i was the last time.
but then again, there's always that fear, that there will be another "last time".
and the cycle continues.

render me

noreply@blogger.com (Chrissy Son) — Sat, 19 Nov 2011 05:04:00 +0000

i think i was waiting for the right moment.
i kept telling myself that i would dig myself out of this hole once i truly reached rock bottom.
i just didn't realize that i hit rock bottom a long time ago, and kept digging.
i give myself excuses, that the time isn't right.
that i would find the drive and motivation once i felt i was ready,
but i didn't realize that i was staring at a picture of an hour glass,
unable to render how much sand has trickles past
tricking myself into thinking that i had all the time in the world,
when my hour was up a long time ago.
even now i'm telling myself, why try now, when i'm already too late.
and when the little voice inside me says, "it's never too late",
another voice inside me goes, "then i suppose i can hold it off until tomorrow..."
i am the epitome of hypocrisy, and sad cruel irony.
why can't i do what i say, and why can't i say what i do.